Sunday, December 21, 2014

Proof of Massive Worldwide Conspiracy Uncovered

A Conspiracy is Born

Before I go into the details of this massive conspiracy, I have to say how devastating it is that I have to report this news.  I know how this could rip the very fabric of society apart, and destroy everything we believe in and hold dear. I can now definitively prove, beyond any shadow of a doubt that Santa is a massive hoax perpetrated upon us by politicians, the media, big-box retailers and others, including the US government up to and including the President of the United States himself, Barack Obama.

After seeing a picture of Santa on Facebook with a friend and his kid, I noticed something VERY fishy!  I thought to myself.  Wait a second, that looks like Santa, but isn't.



The Picture that Unleashed the Conspiracy

Where We Begin

Before I go into more detail about exactly what lead me to believe that Santa is a giant conspiracy, let's just establish some basic points of contention.

Think of the popular music:

He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!

So is Santa omnipotent then?  Clairvoyant?  Are we seriously supposed to just believe that a guy in a furry red suit is really that knowledgeable about the workings of our lives? Keep in mind, this is a guy that works part time at a shopping mall.  Ok, even more troubling than that is that this guy is using NSA-like powers to spy on us and our children.  He uses the threat of coal to coerce people into being "good." By day, he is judging you from his little plastic house behind the Christmas tree next to the escalator, and by night he judges you from his house at the north pole.  I'll get to the ridiculousness of that later.
The real Santa

Morals Defined

So who decides what defines "good" or "bad'?  Who knows.  We live in a global society and our morals are not universal.  One thing for sure is this guy can and will impose his version of morals upon you and your family. Also, we know Santa is susceptible to bribes.  After all, if we leave a glass of warm milk and a nice plate of cookies out for Santa, he will leave us a nice stack of presents.
What Santa really wants

Photographic Evidence

Now about that picture that started it all.  I noticed very something when I saw my friend and his kid sitting next to that spectacled old man. A few weeks earlier, I had seen a picture of another friends' kid sitting on the lap of a man of similar appearance, but was very clearly a different old man.
Clearly a Different Santa

Now, I have heard the argument that there are Mall Santas and there is the real Santa.  That the Mall Santas all work for the real Santa, so while they aren't really the real Santa,  the real Santa is most certainly real.

Also the real Santa
Well in actually, this argument makes absolutely no sense.  You are talking about a guy who can simultaneously read the thoughts of millions of people all throughout the world.  This is a guy who can make deliveries to millions of locked houses on every continent, in a matter of hours.  He has a fleet of flying reindeer led by one with a bright LED nose to guide the way. A guy with these unbelievable powers wouldn't need a fleet of part time Santas to fill in for him.
Mall Santas

Grand Media Conspiracy

Now let's talk about how deep this conspiracy goes.  Hollywood is in on it.  Hundreds of movies, most of them terrible, have featured storylines that perpetuate this conspiracy.  In Home Alone, Kevin McAlister, played brilliantly by a young Macaulay Culkin is a nasty little boy, and his parents leave without him.  After a short time, he learns his lesson and tells a mall Santa to ask the real Santa to bring his parents back.  In The Santa Clause, Tim Allen is tricked into taking on the job of the Real Santa when he accidentally kills him. Clearly hollywood knows the truth, yet they keep making these propaganda films that perpetuate the myths.
Sit on my lap little girl


Of course retailers benefit from the myth, as they make billions of dollars each year from the purchase of these gifts. given by "Santa" to children. We are all told that Santa has a fleet of slave elves that make the gifts in his workshop, but that hasn't been true for a long time.  Sure, a hundred years ago when kids asked for a stick to hit a ball with, the elves had it covered, but elves can't make Playstations and iPads.  They have to buy these.  
I can't afford all this shit.

Government Culpability

Even more troubling than Hollywood and big business conspiring against us, we have evidence that the government is in on it as well.  First, for a long time, the Government's North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD, has claimed to track Santa's path across the globe each year.  Why would a MILITARY agency track what would normally be handled by civilian air traffic control? Now, the government responded to skepticism of its claims of tracking Santa several years ago by releasing "real-time" updates and even video of his journey around the world each Christmas eve. I have carefully examined some of this footage, and have determined it to be fake.  As some of you know I am pretty technically savvy and generally can tell when something is fake, but in this case the footage we are presented with and asked to believe is laughable.  It looks like it was animated by someone who has no clue what they are doing.  Take another look, I think you will see what I mean:


Secondly, why would the government let an alien person, even a benevolent one, traverse its borders without proper processing the customs and immigration?  Short answer is, they wouldn't. To allow such a situation would open up huge potential for abuse.  Anything from smuggling contraband, to nefarious persons stowing away on the sleigh.  No I contend that the only possibility is that Santa is not real, and our government is in on this conspiracy.
Spread em, old man!
Third, our government, through the National Ocean and Atmospheric Administration has known forever that the North Pole sits in the middle of the Arctic Ocean.  

Fake North Pole
That's right, right where Santa's workshop is supposed to be, there's a body of water.  Now, it is true, it is frozen during the winter, but in recent years, thanks to global warming, in the summer there has been water there. Also, even though scientists and explorers from all over the world have been to the North Pole hundreds of times, no credible images of "Santa's Workshop" have surfaced.  Officials from President Obama's office and from the Pentagon were unavailable for comment for this story.

Real North Pole

What About The Physics?

We are told that Santa travels to all of the countries and all of the households to deliver presents. According to a well researched article by UMD Physisct Linda Linda Harden:
"Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour."

That is pretty convincing, folks.  Even Santa can't break the laws of physics.

Santa is classist

Even more damning is this.  Santa isn't as kind to poorer families.  While the children of rich families get ponies. houses in the Bahamas, and fine diamonds, less fortunate children are, well, less fortunate.  Some children might only get a horse head on a stick or a little doll made out of beets.  So, I ask you dear reader, what is more plausible, a classist Santa that hates poor children, or no Santa at all?

The evidence is clear

Taken individually, we might have our suspicions, but when you add together the facts that I have presented to you, it becomes clear that Santa can not, and does not exist. While any one of these might seem coincidental, when you add it all together, we will see that you have been presented with incontrovertible proof that the existence of the superhuman "Santa" is nothing but a myth.  I think the reason that so many in society are willing to launch onto the idea of a fake Santa is this.  If we can convince our children to behave themselves or an all powerful, all potent being will punish them, it probably will be easier to convince them the same as an adult about an omnipotent overseer named God.

Now, of course it is pretty ridiculous to put any amount of critical thought into the existence of Santa. Everybody going into the age of puberty is in on the joke. But really, you could take just about every myth about Santa, and plug the word god in, and have the same result. God can see you when you are sleeping, knows when you are awake, and ignores the laws of physics. God is everywhere and anywhere at once. When a smart doctor cures someone of cancer, we don't thank the doctor, we thank god. Even though the only real "evidence" that god exists is a book written 2000 years ago by people who had no understanding on modern science to explain strange phenomenon to them. When we ask ourselves why would god give a little boy cancer, we are told it is all part of his plan. If it's all part of his plan, then why do we punish people who do crimes?  After all, they were just carrying out his plan right? If your creator has a plan that involves little kids dying of cancer, that is a shitty plan. We can discriminate against people because a book says to? If your god condones discriminating against other people because they are different than you, then that's a pretty shitty deity. If you hurt other people because they believe differently than you, that makes you a shitty person. When you look at the sum of all the evidence, it is fairly plain to see, god is no more of a reality than Santa.

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